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Health & Fitness Tips

From your favourite Brisbane female personal trainer, Sally Mc William.
​Stay tuned to learn about fitness, health & body image for a balanced body and happy mind!

WHEN TRYING FOR A BABY GOES WRONG

2/21/2021

6 Comments

 
My feelings have nowhere to go.
 
My frustration, my longing to hold a baby in my belly, the urge to see those two lines. All this emotion has nowhere to go.

So I thought I’d write about it.
Until you start trying for a baby, I don’t think many women (or men) realise how many things can go wrong.
 
My husband and I lived an adventurous and full life in Austria. I ran my own business as a Fitness Professional working with expats, he was an executive in a bank. We were happy. I was happy.

​In 2017 we decided we were ready to have a family. For us, this mean uprooting our life in Austria and moving to my homeland – Brisbane, Australia. While I loved living abroad, I always knew when the time came to have a family, I’d want to be close to my own family.

Picture
Dominik and I with his grandparents in Austria
If only I could go back and warn myself. I would say:

'This isn’t going to be easy. Get ready to feel emotions you’ve never felt, a grief that sits heavily on your heart and even the loss of friendships.’

 
We actively started trying for a baby late 2018. I had a check-up with my doctor. She mentioned I needed the Rubella vaccine, and we’d have to wait two months before trying. I got the vaccine, and we waited. At this point, I was in no rush to get pregnant. I thought it would happen when it happened. (Ha, little did I know.)
 
And I did get pregnant, as it turns out fairly quickly. I started to feel nauseous, so I took a test. Then two more. I was elated, and a bit shocked to be honest. My happiness was clouded by the strong gut feeling that something was wrong. I started to feel a pain creeping into my body.

Within a few hours the pain had gone from strong to unbearable. I had to bite down on a toilet roll to go to the toilet. Yet for some inexplicable reason, I went to work. I couldn’t let my clients down. On the drive, I called my doctor. The earliest she could see me was lunchtime the next day. I saw two clients. I did my job. I didn’t want to face what could be happening. I wanted to be a strong person. I left the gym after an hour and on the drive home I had to pull over twice due to the pain. Then, I put myself to bed.


The sense that there was something wrong now overshadowed any positive feelings I had. So much so that when I told my husband Dominik I was pregnant, I followed it immediately with ‘but don’t get too excited, because I think something’s wrong’.
 
He couldn’t hide the happiness from his face. For years, he’d been telling me how he wanted children. He tried to calm my fears, saying it might be a normal ‘pregnancy pain.’ He didn’t really know what to say, and was trying to make me feel better. After all, it was a first for both of us.  
 
The pain was so strong when I woke, I called the doctor straight away and she said to come in immediately. She did an internal exam (extremely painful) and said, ‘I don’t want to alarm you, but I think you’re having an ectopic pregnancy’. She told me to drive myself home straight away and get Dominik to drive me to the Emergency Department.

An Ectopic Pregnancy
​
By the time I arrived, I couldn’t stand. The pain consumed me. They put me in a wheelchair and pushed me past the 20 people waiting. A man did an ultrasound; he said there was lots of fluid in my stomach. I would later find out the fluid was blood. I’d been bleeding internally for 18 hours.
 
I was sent into another room, with Dominik by my side. Ten nurses and doctors came in. I knew something was really wrong when I saw that many people attending to me. Another ultrasound – this time internal. Again, extremely painful. (Imagine a gaping wound on your leg, then someone sticks their fingers into it. Yeah, it felt like that.)

A doctor explained I was having an ectopic pregnancy. The pregnancy started growing in the wrong place – my fallopian tube. As it grew bigger, it ruptured my fallopian tube and caused severe internal bleeding. I needed emergency surgery to remove my fallopian tube, the blood, and, as the doctor called it ‘the pregnancy’. I found out later, if I had stayed at home much longer, I could have died.

 
Internally I was such a mess that the surgery took much longer than expected. Shortly after waking, a mental health nurse visited me and asked questions. In a daze and in shock, I don’t think I realised the gravity of the situation. I told her I was okay, and she left.
 
I stayed at home for a week, I was up and moving after two days. I thought any more time off work was silly and unnecessary. I was so early in my pregnancy, surely, I didn’t need that much time to recover?
 
A month later the grief hit me like a truck. It came in waves. At first, the waves were so strong they would knock me over. These waves of grief turned me into a person I didn’t want to be: someone who felt sad all the time. Someone who cried a lot. Someone who was jealous of other women’s baby bumps. Sometimes the grief would appear quite obviously. After seeing a pregnancy announcement on Facebook. Finding out a friend’s due date was the same as mine. Talking to clients who wanted to feel fit and strong in preparation for a baby. 
Picture
Other times it would arrive without reason. For months I would spend my Friday morning drive to work in tears, trying to find a way to stop crying before I had to teach my boxing class. I later found out my due date was a Friday.
 
I felt like a different person. I was stuck between feeling immense grief and telling myself ‘it’s not that bad, you weren’t that far along’. Even though I’d never say that to another woman, I kept saying it to myself.
 
We started trying again three months later. After a few weeks of feeling incredibly tired and lethargic, I found out I had a virus. It was recommended not to conceive until the virus was gone. This took six months.

On the same day I found out I was clear of the virus, my doctor told me I had pre-cancerous cells in my cervix and needed surgery. And yet again, we had to stop trying until after the surgery. It was now a year after losing Thomas, and I was frustrated beyond all belief. My body was betraying me.

 
Around this time I saw a psychologist. She helped me greatly. We decided to name my baby Thomas. Even though it was too early to find out the sex, I just knew he was a boy.
Picture
2.5 years on, I still have no baby. I’ve had a miscarriage since then, and other health conditions that have put a stop to us trying.

This journey is incredibly frustrating and full of sadness. It’s a journey that’s changed who I am. And for a long time, I resisted that change. Now I’ve accepted that I have very little control over falling pregnant, and letting that acceptance into my life has allowed me to heal and strengthen my resilience.
6 Comments
Jess
2/23/2021 08:53:43 pm

Thanks for sharing your story. I know how you feel.. It's devastating. Your time will come though. Meanwhile take care of your body and mind ❤️sending you wishes.

Reply
Rasika
2/24/2021 03:19:39 am

Sally, I was moved by your strory at the same time appreciate your strength and your persistence..not loosing your focus on helping your clients on their journey of fitness..not getting yours in that path! Wish you courage , strength and good luck!!

Reply
Michele
2/24/2021 03:16:29 am

Hi Sally, how incredibly brave of you to share your story. I wish you all the best x

Reply
Limi
2/24/2021 07:56:26 am

Sally, what an incredibly painful journey. My heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing your story. ❤️

Reply
Philomena
2/24/2021 03:53:54 pm

Darling Sally I'm so sad to learn what you have been going through & the health issues you have endured. You are always so upbeat & happy. I hope for you & Dominic that you're journey is not over & you will get your happy ending. Thanks for sharing your story. You are a very special girl 💕💕💕

Reply
Georgina Fisher
2/26/2021 12:22:39 am

Hi Sally,
I'm so sorry to hear your story Sally. It sounds incredibly heartbreaking and painful. Have you tried a donor? Or adoption? You could adopt an African baby? I imagine they are always really happy and musical. Hehe. It doesn't have to be over does it? You know you have so much grit and determination and there is so much joy and happiness to be found and you always appear to be so happy. I really hope you can find joy in life generally. You're such a jovial, happy person every time I have caught up with you.
If it helps, Fergus and I are on that journey now. We haven't had any luck either. Old for parents I suppose but keen nevertheless.
I'm going to try a donor I think. For now though I am having a spinal fusion on Monday and that will take 6 to 12 weeks so that's more time out. Not feeling hopeful. Not giving up though. Our thoughts are with you at this time Sall. It's easy to show strength but it takes a very strong person to be vulnerable. Take care. You aren't alone. Sending heaps of love and hugs, Gina and Fergus 🌷🌷🌷 💖💛

Reply



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    hi! I'm sally.

    I love cheese and I think burpees suck. I provide women with a positive health & fitness experience unlike any other. Stick around! You might just find something you like. 

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